You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
