I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
