Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
