My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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