Just fell off a train. Bad.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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