My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
