Pappa wants mamma naked
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
