i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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