Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
