Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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