i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
