there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
