no, he came in my armpit
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
