go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
