U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
