i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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