Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
