I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
