Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
