Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
