If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
