the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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