BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
