I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
