they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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