also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
