It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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