I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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