The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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