I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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