I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
