I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
