i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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