if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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