I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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