She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
