when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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