You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
