I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
