everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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