Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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