Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Randomize
