Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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