someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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