there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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