I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
