i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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