you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
