He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
