I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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